“Don’t be afraid of the shadows. It only means there’s a light nearby” - Amy Lee
It’s true that alot of people are afraid to acknowledge the shadow parts of themselves. Those parts that don’t feel so good to feel, that we just don’t like and would rather not look at or even admit are there.
While the world we live in certainly doesn’t support our having feelings, and most of us were never taught that it’s ok to have our feelings, there is another reason that we tend to be so afraid of the shadows and that is self-protection.
When we are really young and we have experiences that shock us, frighten us and disempower us in some way, it is often too much for our immature minds to process. Additionally as children we tend to blame ourselves and conclude that the reactions or behaviour we are seeing or getting from others is “our fault”. Even as we are in fight or flight mode in response to stress and/or trauma, as children, and even now as adults, we don’t have the power to fight or the means to flee so instead we freeze. we suppress , we ignore, we learn to appease others. We do what we have to do to survive. And it doesn’t have to be outwardly big trauma. Anything that ultimately disempowers and frightens us is a trauma.
So where does the self-protection come in? Well as children we have these immature minds and we conclude that everything is our fault and that’s painful. That’s shame. And of course we don’t want to be hurt again. So the mind seeks to avoid any further painful experiences.
When I was going through depression and severe anxiety I kept getting an image of a frightened horse in my mind and the impression I got was that this frightened horse was now actually safe but because something had frightened her she was now reacting in fear to every little thing.This image helped me because I then was able to see that if I was caring for this horse I wouldn’t yell at her or judge her, rather I would soothe her and understand that it’s ok she is afraid and help her to see that she is safe now gently and patiently.
I saw a client recently who was talking about how supportive she is to her young son having “big feelings” around a circunstance over which he has no control, which is such a beautiful thing. I guided her to see that she too is having “big feelings” around the situation and it’s ok to let herself have those big feelings and also to have compassion for herself in the process.
As adults we now have a frightened child inside of us that has learned to feel unsafe in the world and that is trying to protect us at every turn.
If we can understand, as a first step, that it’s ok that we are afraid of our shadow parts. We are afraid of our “big feelings”. And it’s no wonder when avoiding our thoughts and feelings kept us safe once upon a time.
Then we can learn to know it’s ok that we are afraid and we can begin to learn to see ourselves with kindness and compassion.
I love using EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) in my sessions with clients because it is such a profound tool when it comes to unearthing and facing the shadow parts of ourselves. It calms the Nervous System - that fight/flight/freeze - while at the same time helping us to see and clear those “big feelings”. It also has gentle techniques to address intense trauma in a way that does not retraumatize.
