Why are we so afraid to look at the negative?
It’s true that alot of people are afraid to acknowledge the shadow parts of themselves. Those parts that don’t feel so good to feel, that we just don’t like and would rather not look at or even admit are there. Most of us were never taught that it’s ok to have our feelings, and the postive thinking movement, which certainly has a place, hasn’t helped this fear of focusing on the negative as if doing so is going to cause an instant manifestation of things we fear. But there is another reason why most of us tend to be so afraid of the shadows, and one that I believe is a helpful and essential piece to know, and that is self-protection.
When we are really young, and we have experiences that shock us, frighten us and essentially disempower us in some way, it is often too much for us as children to understand and process. The trauma, the fears, the shame, the anger, just builds up in our bodies. But the other thing that happens, is that the inner child wants to protect us from any further hurt and, according to Richard Schwartz, PHD and founder of Internal Family Systems, we develop many parts or protectors:
“Your protectors’ goals for your life revolve around keeping you away from all that pain, shame, loneliness, and fear, and they use a wide array of tools to meet those goals—achievements, substances, food, entertainment, shopping, sex, obsession with your appearance, caretaking, meditation, money, and so on.”
― Richard C. Schwartz, No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model
When I was going through an experience of depression and anxiety, I kept getting a vision in my mind of a frightened horse rearing up. The impression I had was that this frightened horse was my inner child, that was now actually safe, but because something had frightened her she was now reacting in fear to every little thing. This image helped me because, first, I was able to realize that there was a part of me that felt unsafe, that was feeling threatened and guarded, and then eventually, as it was a journey and a process, I was able to see that if I was the one caring for the frightened horse I wouldn’t judge or shame her, rather I would understand that it’s ok she is afraid. I would soothe her and help her to learn that she is safe now, and I would do so with kindness. So why not respond that way to myself and especially to the inner child in me?
“There are scared children still left inside us, existing beneath our skin, that deserve to be held, to be given something soft to hold onto.”
- Kaleena Madruga, Writer, Does it Hurt?
I like to think of all of this like an untended garden. Imagine how many weeds would be covering up, and even choking out, all your desired flowers and plants if your garden was left untended for years upon years. So let’s say you’re on board. Let’s get rid of these weeds! And suddenly you feel worse than you have ever felt. You feel like you are fighting with yourself, that it’s all a struggle or that you are sabatoging yourself or are a failure. What is really happening, as I saw with my frightened horse, is that there is a part of you that feels unsafe. So in this analogy of an untended garden, as we begin to pull at those weeds - the depression, the anxiety, the addiction, the weight, the illness, the limiting beliefs - that inner child begins to feel threatened and does what it can to protect us.
“Being cut off from our own natural self-compassion is one of the greatest impairments we can suffer. Along with our ability to feel our own pain go our best hopes for healing, dignity and love.”
- Dr. Gabor Mate, M.D, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction
If we can understand, as a first step, that it’s ok that we are afraid of our shadow parts. That it’s no wonder, when avoiding our thoughts and feelings kept us safe once upon a time. Then we can ease up on ourselves. We can begin to learn to see ourselves with kindness and compassion as we come to understand that the shadow parts of ourselves are not bad and we’re not sabotaging ourselves, there’s just a part of each of us, that inner child, that is trying to protect us from being hurt again and just needs to learn that it is safe.
From that place of understanding we can ease into the shadows, even seeing a counsellor or therapist when we need to. We want to move through the shadows. And there is a difference when we focus on the shadows with the purpose of moving through them, versus remaining steeped in them.
“All that I seek is already within me”.
- Louise L. Hay
And the beauty of facing our shadows, while honoring that inner child in the process, is that, not only do we begin to clear the shadows, but we make space. We make room for the wellbeing, the happiness, the inner power and self-worth. All those good things that are actually already there in us as our natural state of being. They’ve just been covered up and pushed aside. But we can make space for them again, so they can flourish and grow.
Written by Michele Venema BScN, RN, Psychotherapist, cEFT2 AEFTP
Nurse Psychotherapist/EFT Practitioner
From Shadows to SoulLight Counselling 2023
I hope you enjoyed this, my first blog! In my next blog I plan to expand on this one and address the role of the nervous system in trauma and the importance of using somatic techniques (including Emotional Freedom Techniques) to enhance healing. Upcoming topics will include depression, anxiety, insomnia, inter-generational trauma, and so much more. So stay tuned!